After the shooting at the Anunciation School in Minneapolis, I said something to a friend about how tragic it all was.
“Very tragic,” he said. “But you know what’s worse, people who say saying ‘thoughts and prayers’ is wrong.”
I like my friend. And he’s a devout believer. But saying that was not worse than kids being killed.
I get what my friend was trying to say. He means well, but sometimes he talks out of the side of his head. Sure, friend, you may well be right that it’s wrong to say that “saying ‘thoughts and prayers’ is wrong,” but that doesn’t even compare with what just went down. Kids dying while attending mass the first week of school? Kids watching classmates get killed? What gets worse than that?
As mass shootings pile up, people become agitated beyond measure. Senseless tragedies are even more enraging when children are involved. We want something done to avoid such future occurrences. Gun regulation, mental health assistance, red flag laws, armed teachers, more secure schools, spiritual renewal – all these have been called for.
After every shooting, cries of “thoughts and prayers,” appeals for legislation in one form or another, accusations of government inaction, calls for studies, and reactions to “thoughts and prayers” are heard across the land. And then … silence.
Until the next shooting. And it starts all over again.
As with many of you, I listened to the eyewitness reports from Minneapolis – including interviews with some of the survivors. I watched as parents, teachers, administrators, the parish priest, and government officials reflected on what had just taken place. And I followed the evolving public reactions on the news and social media.
Much of what I heard and saw was poignant, ever so moving, hearts crying out in anguish beyond measure. These shootings happen far too frequently, so much so they become numbing. But for the survivors and loved ones, they are one of a kind and unfathomable, forever leaving wounds that refuse to heal.
But I also heard comments better left unsaid. Like my friend’s reaction. Like others who should stay away from a mic or the send button on their social media. All too easily these get played like soundtracks to be repeated after the next shooting. And the next.
Yet it would be even more pathetic if there were no reaction. A school shot up and no one had any comment? Who can envision that? Sadly I can, because in far too many spaces in our world certain tragedies have become commonplace, overwhelming our senses and leaving us without ability to muster empathy.
And so, we resort to playing our modern soundtracks. “Thoughts and prayers for all the survivors and loved ones.” “We must do something to end these senseless tragedies.” “How can you just say ‘thoughts and prayers?’” “How can you knock prayer?”
***
Many of our responses are truly heartfelt. But some can come off like canned speeches – what we call polite speech. When I was younger, I chaffed at polite speech. It felt meaningless. Just a gut reaction because something had to be said. Even so, my attempts to say something meaningful without sounding canned came off clumsy.
So, I was left with saying what everyone else said. “Sorry for your loss.” Because to say anything more might be awkward, impolite even. And to say nothing would be to risk saying I didn’t care.
Then I moved into a new culture in a different country and started learning a different language. In language school, I had to learn polite speech in that new language. It felt stiff, trite, just like polite speech often does in my native English. So, I tried to be thoughtful, creative in this new language. And my teachers used polite speech to tell me the Chinese equivalent of “don’t be a jerk.”
I discovered two things. One, you can’t be creative in a new language until you achieve a high level of fluency. As in music or sports or a craft, you have to become really familiar with the art or technology before you can mess with it.
And, two, I learned that polite speech is actually very useful. Especially in languages other than English where speech patterns are more formal. Chinese, for example, is filled with ways of conveying emotion, feeling, meaning in set patterns. Over generations, these speech patterns have been perfected to the point that even a foreigner like me doesn’t sound awkward or impolite – the way non-native speakers are prone to sound.
As I returned to my home country and my native English, I brought back a newfound appreciation for set patterns of speech. Fortunately, as a native English speaker, I know how to adapt those patterns of polite speech in certain settings to occasionally say something fresh as well as sincere.
I didn’t need to go to Asia to understand sincerity. Like most of us, I learned early on to spot speech patterns being used insincerely.
For much of my adult life, I’ve raised my own financial support to do ministry or to meet the needs of others. In my work, I’ve been the recipient of or channel for the generosity of untold numbers of other people. And I’ve also responded to the appeals of others to help support their work or meet needs.
I came to resent polite speech when it was too casually used to turn down my request for funds, a “no” hidden behind an offer of prayer, for example. I’d share my work with someone, only to hear them say, “I’ll be praying for you.” “Will you really?” I wanted to shout back, as the fundraising task was getting overwhelming. I get why saying “I’ll pray for you” or “I’ll pray about this” can sound trite. Like so much meaningless polite speech.
And yet, I’ve said the same thing to others: “I can’t help financially, but I will pray for you.”
Polite speech or actual intent?
There is no way we can tangibly meet every need that comes along. My wife routinely packs nutrition bars in the car, just so she has something to offer anyone in need. I appreciate her planning when I stop at a traffic light, and someone extends a hand toward my window.
I have said to others, “I really can’t support you right now, but I do want to pray for you.” When I say that, I make sure I really mean it by following through. Actually, what I try to say is, “How can I pray for you?” Then I type their answer in my phone and put it on my prayer list once I get home. I really do follow through by praying for the request they’ve raised because I resent insincere polite speech, even when it comes out of my own mouth.
I do the same thing on social media. When someone expresses a prayer request, I’ll say “lifting you up” – and then I do. Some prayer requests stay long on my list; others maybe just for that day. Prayer focus, like other resources, is limited. But I am mindful that someone is counting on my follow-through when I make a commitment.
***
Which brings me back to “thoughts and prayers” and to those who object to that saying. The phrase has become a common expression of sympathy, in response, for example, to tragedies such as mass shootings. You see it especially in public communiques.
I get why people say it. They need a polite speech phrase, something that the general public will understand and accept. The phrase says the communicator is thinking about the victims and their loved ones and is praying for their well-being. To not say anything is to say the wrong thing.
I also get why people object to the phrase. Not necessarily because they oppose prayer, though sometimes that might be. But because they detect insincerity in the one saying it. In their minds, “thoughts and prayers” are not enough. Say “thoughts and prayers” after repeated tragedies without doing something to avoid such tragedy and the phrase comes off as vapid, just an excuse for inaction.
I happen to be a person who really believes that prayer is a form of action, that praying gets things done. James 5:16 says that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” So, I find it troublesome when someone says prayer is non-action. But I also get how saying “thoughts and prayers” can come off as trite.
James himself – the one I just quoted – rails against polite speech patterns because they have lost meaning. He condemns those who claim to have faith but don’t follow through with appropriate action. He uses an example from everyday life. You meet a person who lacks the basic necessities of life – they are without food and clothing. If you say to them, “Go in peace; be warm and well fed,” but you do nothing about their physical needs, what good is that, he asks accusingly.
James says such faith, without appropriate action, is dead. He doesn’t allow for either-or here, for he goes on to add that faith and action are both required. You could argue, as I do, that prayer is a form of action. Obviously, James believes in prayer – if it is sincere and from a righteous heart.
But James also calls for tangible deeds. He references the Canaanite woman, Rahab, as a prime example. When she took decisive action to protect the Israelite spies, she didn’t just pray for their safety; she risked her own life to ensure they were safe. (James 2:14-26)
If I were addressing people who complain that the polite speech pattern of “thoughts and prayers” is wrong, I would tell them to be careful that they do not call evil what God has ordained. Go ahead and call out insincerity where you encounter it, but don’t say that we should not pray for those in need. Or should not show them empathy, something else that has come under attack lately.
Yet, to those who object when someone says, “thoughts and prayers are not enough,” James just might agree with that person and not to those who object. Especially if the phrase is in lieu of further action. If you have the ability to help someone, don’t just say “I’ll pray for you.”
If those who lambast “thoughts and prayers” are wrong, so are those who say the phrase without appropriate follow through. They just might be breaking one of the Ten Commandments.
Have you noticed the Third of the Ten? “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for God will not hold you guiltless if you do.” (Exodus 20:7) Most of us probably know it in the language of the King James: “don’t take God’s name in vain,” commonly reducted these days as, “Don’t swear.”
I love how John Durham (Exodus, 276) translates that verse. “You are not to employ the name of Yahweh your God to empty purpose.” The Third Commandment instructs us that we are not to reference God unless we mean it. When we say, “thoughts and prayers,” we are invoking – or employing – God’s name, even if we don’t say the word “God”. Promising to do something in God’s name without doing it is “empty purpose.”
Don’t promise to pray without praying. Don’t just pray when you can meet the need.
I doubt my friend will read this post and I won’t be sharing my concern with him. In that he agitates too quickly into culture wars speech, I usually just change the subject.
I get why people like him get agitated. And I get why the people he’s agitated at get agitated. But I also remember what God has called me to do: have faith, be empathetic (“thoughts”), pray, and do what I can to make changes and meet needs.
Now, let’s pray and act so that these killings will cease, shall we?
Listen here to what Father Dennis Zehren, pastor of Annunciation Church, had to say after the shooting at his church.
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Photo: Annunciation Church and School, Minneapolis, with flowers and toys left as memorial