People who do great things are not always that great. In truth, they can be downright awful. The stronger the split in their behavior, the stronger the toxicity they release into the lives of those around them.
I try to avoid toxic people. Stay away, I tell myself. Or at least shield yourself from their venom, I say. But the urge to self-protect is easier said than done and sometimes there is no avoiding them or their poison.
“Why do you have to put up with him?” I asked a friend.
“Because he does so much great work,” she said, not realizing that all such endeavor turns to heaps of stinking poop when co-workers are trampled on and intimates are cut with a thousand knives by careless, even vicious words and behaviors.
We all are capable of saying unkind things. But if we do not repent and do not guard our hearts, our unkindnesses become our default communication, our character, and we turn into poison dispensers like human vipers.
James in the New Testament says the human tongue “is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”1 Capable of burning down lives, itself set on fire by hell no less, the tongue is a lethal weapon of those who wrap themselves in their great legacies even as they destroy others.
In Night Shift: Crossing the Cultural Line for the Kingdom, I wrote, “The Christian mission is won and lost through character.”2 I come to understand that more clearly each day I live. For the poison of which I speak is a poison of character. All the good we do is swiftly undone when we fail to grasp how easily we wreck lives all around us.
When we think of great people brought down by their own misbehaviors, we often refer to some well-known and often well-loved personality. Such a person has been exposed for scandalous behavior, particularly some form of sexual sin or financial corruption, sins we think to be the worst.
Understand that these sins are forms of a much greater sin, the toxic abuse of power over others, of asserting oneself as a god in other people’s lives. Along with sexual predators and fiscal deceivers, these “gods” include people who pile up pages of accomplishments while stepping on and crushing the hearts of their co-workers and underlings with their anger, manipulations, or other cruelties.
I listened a while back to an NPR interview with Charles M. Blow, New York Times columnist, who has written a book about how he suffered sexual abuse as a child. Blow speaks of the greater harm brought by the betrayal of those he loved and revered, a harm more intense than the abusive action itself. It is the betrayal of trust, the feeling of being used that creates a lifetime of pain.
Tom Brokow famously wrote of the Greatest Generation as if they were the epitome of awesome character for their heroic deeds during World War II. I attended the funeral of one such man who had served in the Pacific theater. All present thrilled as Naval officers snapped to a salute, played taps, and presented the flag to his widow.
There are so many of these veterans, all noteworthy. Not just generals, but rank and file men and women who served valiantly and remained honorable all their lives. I wish no ill of any of them, for they were truly great.
But we miss the mark when we fail to realize that Brokow’s singular generation, for all its brave efforts, was no better or worse than any other. Some of those same war heroes came home to torment those who needed the legacy of their greatness the most. They failed their loved ones with their toxicity.
Barbara Bush, wife of the late President George Herbert Walker Bush, also of the Greatest Generation, is quoted as saying, “Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yard stick to your success is how you treat other people.”3
This is what we so easily forget. Our legacy is not made up of the great things we accomplish. Our legacy is in how we treat others, especially those closest to us or those who are most impacted by our subtle behaviors, the ones the distant doting public never see.
In the immortal words of the Apostle Paul, if I give everything I have to the poor and do not have love, I gain nothing. He is not saying, Don’t give all you have to the poor. He is saying that you do nothing for the poor if you treat them with contempt. You do nothing for your loved ones if you are impatient, unkind, self-seeking, easily angered.
What makes a leader truly inspiring is when her deeds match her character. Moreover, we produce no true greatness, especially none that lasts, unless it flows out of a life of superb character. For any supposedly significant achievements accompanied by treating others poorly are nothing more than a ghastly noise, to paraphrase the Apostle Paul from that same passage.4
Do I wish for fewer accomplishments in our world? Yes, if such achievements are corrupted by treating workers poorly or hurting kids and spouses or despising neighbors. Therein lies the toxicity, that most lethal combination of doing much good and much evil at the same time.
The greatest evils in this world are not unleashed only by the likes of Hitler, but also by those who, professing to do good, cause much harm. I am not saying that Hitler caused less evil than others – the global scope of his harm is what augments his evil. But I am talking about a toxic kind of evil, one that comes under the cover of greatness.
Evil, when it stands alone, is less toxic, for we are prepared to fight it. But when it comes wrapped in awesome greatness, hidden in masterful achievement, and extravagant generosity, the dagger lies veiled – a treacherous, unseen murderer. Come to think of it, even Hitler swayed millions with his bold words and promises of greatness, hiding the hellishness of his character until it was too late to rebuff.
Most of us will never encounter someone on the scale of Hitler. We are injured by lesser lights who masquerade as wonderful people all the while diminishing those around them.
I don’t have any simple solutions for ridding the world of toxic individuals. My guess is we will always have them with us this side of eternity. But having experienced enough toxicity in my own life, I have thought long and hard about what to do about people who spread it. Here are 10 things that help me protect myself from human toxins:
1. Avoid toxic people. When possible, don’t let these toxin spreaders into your life. Easier said than done, I know, but there are times when we are able to shut the door – and, if so, we must.
2. Pray. I put this second, though you might prefer it as #1. But if you do wind up with toxic people in your life, pray for strength for yourself and healing for them. I must admit I’ve been tempted to pray that such healing would come in the form of death for the culprits. Okay, I’ve actually prayed that. God, take them home where you can heal them in your own space. Amen. Not a noble prayer, but, seriously, prayer for strength and healing is vital in the fight to protect yourself and others.
3. Be firm with your boundaries. Toxic people have a way of ignoring boundaries, particularly boundaries of not stepping on other people. #1 is one way to do this. Short of that, I work to turn down assignments and responsibilities when I can, that place me in their path. And sometimes, I am strong enough to push back against boundary crashers, especially when others are in danger.
4. Find others who will “have your back”. I have attempted to surround myself with a least one or two people who understand how behaviors in others can be toxic to me. Sometimes that means just having someone who understands that so-and-so is dangerous and who helps shield you when necessary. My therapist taught me this. For those living with toxic people, there are spiritual counsellors and social workers who can help.
5. Don’t play their game. When you do have to work or live with them, resist the temptation to fight fire with fire. Using toxic weapons to fight toxic people can backfire. They can turn it back on you. Even if they don’t, you want to avoid being contaminated by unhealthy attitudes. Often toxic people were once vulnerable themselves and became consumed by their own defenses. Read Lord of the Rings for a case study of epic proportions in being consumed by that which you are fighting.
6. Don’t spread their toxin. You may not fight fire with fire, but if the pain they inflict starts to consume you, you may be tempted to vent in all the wrong places. Don’t pay your pain forward. See #4.
7. Do good to those who spitefully use you. Note, I am avoiding telling you to forgive them. For those who have suffered abuse, forgiveness is a process all its own. But doing good means that you choose to live righteously in the face of spiritual ugliness. You are not letting them off the hook, you are simply choosing to act nobly when they fail to do so. But in doing good, don’t forget #3.
8. Know when you are vulnerable. All of us are stronger at times than others. We need to avoid fighting battles when we are tired and weak. For those of us who have been poisoned by toxic people, we survive by learning to avoid triggers. For much of my life I was unaffected by poison ivy. Then through an open wound I got a very bad infection from poison ivy and ever since I’ve been susceptible to it. When you don’t feel strong enough to face a person who bothers you, admit your weakness to yourself and maybe check out #4.
9. See the humor in their folly. A toxic person, especially one who wraps his poison in greatness, is a very foolish person of biblical proportions. Such foolishness, to be blunt about it, is silly. Learn to smile at how petty their behavior is. I’m not talking about belittling them; don’t forget #5 and #6. But sometimes it is okay – healthy, even – to step back and chuckle at their infantile behavior. Maybe you’ll need some distance before you can do so, but when you can, have a laugh at the stupidity of those who attempt to advance by hurting others. Humor, done with the right heart, has a way of bringing healing. Which is why some of the best comedians are those who have lived through the greatest of pains.
10. If all else fails, leave. This gets us back to number #1. When you’ve tried everything, even reforming the foolish one, and nothing works, sometimes it is best – for your own health and for the health of others for whom you are responsible – to walk away. Quit the job. Run for shelter. Move on.
I’ve discovered, through much pain myself, that as harmful as toxic people are, they are not the strongest force in the universe. Not by a longshot. Someday they will stand before God and give an account – and all their great deeds will be like ashes once holy fire has done its consuming work.
This post, as with all of my Classic Retakes, is adapted from a post I published several years ago. It also starts a new category of posts where I address issues dealing with trauma and healing. If you’d like to be informed of similar posts in the future, be sure to sign up here for free.
- James 3:8 (NIV) ↩︎
- P. 320. ↩︎
- https://time.com/5244413/barbara-bush-most-memorable-quotes/ ↩︎
- 1 Corinthians 13:1, 3. ↩︎